Daydreaming about Anxiety

When I first started this blog years ago, it was suppose to be a place where I can just get some of my thoughts off my chest. Like a personal diary though with the added benefit of having other people being able to read it and share their thoughts. Fast forward to the present and I find myself still clinging to that idea. Why? Because I think it is really important for strangers to know that they aren’t the only ones stumbling through life. 

I know everyone knows that but often times when faced with tragedy, heartache, or strife; we turtle up and close ourselves off to those around us. And while it is true that the only person that can ultimately get you over the hurdles that life placed in front of you is you, it doesn’t mean that you have to make that journey alone. Each step taken with someone by your side is easier. 

With that in mind, I started the 300 Writing Prompt Challenge. It was my excuse to go back and deeply reflect on aspects of my life and convey how I viewed them now. However, I realize that I am not doing a lot of talking about the present. Logging the currents thoughts  drifting in my sea of consciousness. 

So I ask you to take a walk with me. Through my thoughts as I sort through them. I don’t know where we are headed, but I would like someone here with me. Besides, it is the reason why I have a category named 365.

With that small introduction out of the way, let’s daydream. 

be warned! tangents are unavoidable! he can’t help it!

I have a dream of traveling on a train!

I think I am obsessed with the idea of traveling. Mention it around me and you have my full attention. I love learning about new things. Cultures, traditions, and languages. It is simply fascinating to me that the person next to me views the world with a different lens than I do, opinions and values shaped by experiences that are different from my own. An example of this is one of my co-workers Hassin, who was born in Iraq. Just yesterday, I randomly barged into this office singing the Pokemon theme song very loudly. why they prompted him to the general manager we will never know… Hassin looks at me with a narrowed expression, deep in thought. “Is that pokemon?” He asked in his awesome accent. Oh yeah, he has a thing for accents. I confirmed his answer and this started a weird conversation and discovery about anime he watched overseas and how the opening and endings themes differ from the western version. Mind you, he isn’t really big on anime but I found out that he watched Detective Conan, Ronin Warriors, and a few other shows well before they debut stateside. Also, the opening themes for their shows were different but oddly just as good as the ones that I remembered. 

Anyway! Conversations and things like that are like the highlight of my day. I love it when I sit down with someone I don’t know and hear about their life. Combine this desire with the urgent craving to explore the world and one can start to see why traveling is so high on my priority list.

The problem I have is that I don’t want to do it alone. I am willing. My very first trip was on a cruise to the eastern Caribbean a few years back with my grandparents. The trip was absolutely amazing! I found myself out on the deck looking the ocean for the first time no picture or video will ever do it justice. There is nothing like seeing it with your own eyes. Feeling the oceanic breeze against your skin and watching the sky shift in tones by the paintbrush of the sun while it set. Bringing it up makes me all giddy inside. The problem was that I did not have anyone my age to experience it with. My grandparents were lifetime cruisers. So for me, I wanted to share all my excitement with someone who was just like me but couldn’t. Not to say that I didn’t enjoy myself. I did. But it would have been so much better if I had someone my age to share it with. 

So naturally, when I returned from that vacation, I wanted to bring all the people I knew along. Cruising actually isn’t all that expensive if you plan and budget correctly. I have worked it out so that I will be able to go on one each and every year providing that my financial status doesn’t drastically change. Though my friends were interested, none of them are able to make that type of commitment. And after awhile of trying to convince them otherwise and even going so far as to pay for their ticket on the cruise if they were able to get their plane ticket, I realized that I would have to go it alone.

Until I brought up the idea in a last ditch effort to a old friend of my that I used to have big crush for back in the day. It was really strange how it all happened too! We hadn’t spoken to each other in months. One of those relationships where life just seems to happen and you grow distant for no particular reason. What sparked our conversation was a random question she asked. What’s the worst thing that could happen to you on a date? 

From there, we spoke often about her wanting to go somewhere for her birthday which conveniently aligned with my desire to just get up and go somewhere I haven’t been before. Suggesting the many ideas of locales in my head, she ultimately did not choose any of them but loved the idea of it. So when I told her that I was going on a cruise in January, it piqued her interest and soon after decided to go come along with me on this six-day adventure.

Now, have you ever wished for something so much that when you finally received it, rational thought finally floods the dreamscape and it becomes more daunting and dreadful than you imagined it? A few days after securing the tickets, my mind went into a downward spiral. 

I was suppose to be ecstatic. Not only was I going on a cruise, I wasn’t going alone. And not only was I not going alone, I was going with someone that I think fondly of. This was everything I could have possibility asked for. And yet, I found myself almost terrified by the thought. Scared that if I allowed myself the luxury of getting excited, that I would be met with the same disappointment that has plague my life over the years.

Coming off the cusp of losing $400 dollars and a travel bag to someone I thought was a close friend who skipped town, losing dear relationships because miscommunication and conflict, and having people constantly and consistently lie and not uphold their own word have left me wounded, jaded, and calloused. Everything around me seems so fragile and perhaps I’m scared of losing something else. 

And I know she doesn’t deserve the negative, pessimistic me. I mean, she has to be someone nervous as well, right? Traveling thousands of miles with someone with your kid has to take courage, right? Or at the very least take some sort of trust. Putting up a hefty amount of money shows that she isn’t committed. Who does that only to back out of it at the last minute? Who would? 

Not to mention now I think I am nervous because it is their first cruise. I want it to be a memorable experience, you know? I don’t want anything bad to happen so that they never want to do it again. I want to be just as fun and exciting as my first time so that perhaps they will be willing to do it again and I know I can’t be that way walking on eggshells. I have dreams of traveling to different countries. Multiple week cruises to see Alaska, China, and other areas. Having a travel buddy would be awesome.

What if old feelings emerge and on the cruise I discover that she is truly everything I thought she was before and things become awkward because I can’t act normal and get flustered around her?

I still have around 37 days to go and I hope I don’t drive myself insane in the process. There is so much running through my mind at times that is it really hard to sit down and grasp one of the thoughts whizzing by to break down. Like being surrounded by a thousand thought bees, all buzzing some positive or negative positions as if in a room full of scholars. And I just want it to stop.  

Fora long time, I did not think I suffered from anxiety.  Getting weighed down like this even nothing has even happened yet is draining and even though I know I shouldn’t be like this, I feel like someone else is driving at the moment. It prevents me from sleeping and as a person that has insomnia, that can be a huge problem. Though because of my lack of sleep, I have been able to focus on the blog more and hanging out with you guys at the cost of getting hit with a way of sleepiness during my commute home.  which takes an hour usually. not really a good trade. I don’t know… I’m just babbling on now. I hope this phase ends soon. 

I wish it was that simple!

Thanks for reading if you did managed to get to the end of this. I felt like I need to get this out.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Yomu says:

    Cruises sound fun! I’ve always wanted to go on a Christmas cruise with the family.

    I’m actually planning on visiting Japan sometime hopefully next year alone.

    I think you just have to try and keep in mind that the whole point is to relax and enjoy the vacation. Focus on what you can control, and everything you can’t just is what it is.
    Hope everything works out for ya!

    1. That sounds so amazing! I have intentions on heading there as well at some point in the future. I am going to try man because this vacation is long overdue.

  2. moyatori says:

    I hope it turns out to be an enjoyable cruise anyways! Travelling (especially with people) always makes me anxious, but travelling does have the power to bond people more often than it tears them apart, I think. Remember to take pictures!

    1. Thank you for the reminder because I tend to forget in the moment of things. I will be sure I nab some good ones!

What are your thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s