Wayward Thoughts: Overwhelmed

Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. – Sigmund Freud

There is so much going through my mind right now that I feel the seams of mind starting to rip, the fabric of mental start being stretched to the brink in what appears to be a futile effort to contain it all.

And no outlet that I have at my disposal seems to be enough to release the pressure.

I try to carry on, drowning myself in things that I think will occupy my time and mind. I work long hours. I take on every thing that I possibly can because perhaps it might make someone’s day better while secretly wishing that someone will appear that can do the same from me. I can’t tell you how much that last post tore me up because watching something like that… knowing that is all I want right now with everything that is going on in my life and aboard… I can’t be asking for much. What Ameila gave Subaru that afternoon made my heart ache with longing.

I promise you that is a post in itself.

I think depression for men is hard pill to swallow because of the expectations that we have to live up to in order to be classified as a man. We are taught to be a man, is to virtually not show emotions because it is a sign of weakness to not only your fellow men but to the opposite sex. Why is that? Why is the expectation of a man by society standards to be cold and unfeeling? Why must we be forced to suppress our emotions and feelings out of fear of being judged or emasculated for simply having the capacity of caring about something on a deeper level? Why must we get ridiculed or or judged as being a girl? Why is that even a thing?

I mean, what does that leave us with? Anger? Rage? Hatred? Why is that our only outlet? That isn’t healthy because we blow up, saying and doing seemingly irrational and/or crazy things just to reaffirm ourselves and be heard. To be acknowledged. But it is sad because we they are backed into a corner, that is all we have which is equally frowned upon.

I’m glad that I haven’t been reduced to that type of choice but I face the issue of being too emotional or empathetic.

I don’t know where I was even going with this post. As I said, my mind is all over the place but I felt right typing this. For the men in your life, no matter the age, let them know that you care about them. Convey that when and if they need to, you will be there to listen to them and not judge them. That they have an open space to express themselves constructively.

They need it. I believe now more than ever.

I’ve lost my grandmother to the pandemic. Lost my good paying job. Holidays remind me of times that I will never get back to the point where I am starting to hate them. I am stuck somewhere in between mourning and acceptance and I am struggling with being stationary. I imagine this must be my mid-life crisis and cannot be the only one feeling this way.

But ironically, I don’t want to talk about it. Just reassurance. These shoulders were made to hold the world but sometimes, these limbs can buckle and quiver. The strain becomes a little too much to bear. Fear and anxiety starts to take hold.

And for those like me, just hold them and let them know you appreciate them. You really don’t know how far that will go. Hold them until you feel their shoulders give in and relax. Console them and let them know you see them and that you appreciate all that they do.

That’s all. Sorry for no pictures and gifs this time.

Thanks for reading.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. moyatori says:

    I’m sorry for all that you’re going through these days. It’s only natural that you’re overwhelmed. Do try to take care, and have an ice cream once in a while! It’s a shallow solution, but it’s one thing I can think of that proves to be effective in crappy times.

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